Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sick of yourself? So am I!

This year I'm taking a break from fiction writing to concentrate on finishing up my motivational book, Seven Years to a Less Hideous You. It'll soon be dominating the entrances of Barnes & Noble stores everywhere, but I'm offering regular readers a "sneak peek" long before the rest of the rubes and suckers. It's my way of giving back to the community.

I feel good about Seven Years. My basic premise is that, despite the glacial corrosion of time and the occasional bout with alcoholism and unemployment, nearly everyone can leverage my hard-won insights, delicious recipes and sex secrets to become, if not the person they always wanted to be, at least a better person than that creepy dude they're always running into at the library.

I know; you're skeptical. Like me, you've probably got a copy of Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People in a box down in the basement. I didn't get anything out of that one either, probably because the chapters were too long. My chapters are short. Each one is a nugget of pure gold that an idiot like Covey could only dream about. Some samples:

Chapter 3
Always wear your glasses when you look in the mirror. Without them, you might miss that errant nose hair curling down like a superfluous apostrophe. Then in a week it becomes an exclamation mark and has cost you an important career opportunity.

Chapter 17
Dave's Invigorating Tea:
Put a cup of water in the microwave for two minutes on high.
Put in a teabag.
Don't forget to remove the teabag at some point, or after a couple of days it will adhere to the side of the cup and you'll need a kitchen knife to pry it off.

Chapter 23
Never forget: Highly successful people do something every day. Presumably, one of those things is getting out of bed. So up and at 'em, champ!

Chapter 49
Sex secret No. 1: Real sex requires another person who likes you. Good luck with that. In the meantime, a dog can make you feel at least marginally appreciated. And if you record all of the dog's amusing antics in notebook, you might have a bestseller on your hands when the dog inevitably dies.

Feeling better? That's just a taste. Seven Years will be available both as a book and an iPhone app, and I don't care which because they're both $29.95.


Richard Crowson said...

This is the book I've been waiting for as I navigate the choppy waters of "self employment." Who knew that business about the importance of getting out of bed! Thank you, Dave. I await your Oprah appearance. Do you have a chapter about toenails?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh, David!


Dave Knadler said...

Richard: Let's have lunch sometime. Perhaps we could collaborate on a very dark children's book.

Michael: You're welcome. Turns out self-help books are a lot easier to write than crime fiction ...

Richard Crowson said...

Fine idea. I'm free, let's see...Monday through Friday of next week, the week after, then that following week as well, and the next...

Hope you don't mind but I copied and pasted your Chimp toon posting over on my blog. So much easier than actually composing my own blog items.

Dave Knadler said...

Hey, be my guest. I can use the traffic, as we say in the business.

Nick said...

Dave, I would buy this book.

Oh ... and I'd also buy the dark Knadler/Crowson children's book. Although I might not read it to my daughter.

Ryan said...

You, sir, are a comic genius.

Thank you.

Jessie K said...

Ha ha ha! Nice one.